I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize