So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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