Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
