I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This is the high leading the old right now
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
