I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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