aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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