I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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