She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
