Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
