Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
