did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
