i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
