Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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