even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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