please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
