I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
