i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
