It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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