Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
