Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
