so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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