I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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