I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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