my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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