my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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