dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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