you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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