I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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