I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
