thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
