I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
