hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
