I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize