I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
