She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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