I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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