Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
