you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think your dad took our porno
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
