remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Drunk is not a location!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
