I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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