she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
