I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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