Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
