im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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