this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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