I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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