Will you blow on my dice?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
