I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
