She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
