1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize