we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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