I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
