Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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