JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
