He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
