If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
