Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
