Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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