my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize