Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
