From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
