When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize