I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just google imaged poop.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
